Bradgelina Goes Old School

So last week we found out Brad & Angie got engaged. I totally forgot they weren’t. Doesn’t it seem like they’ve been together forever?

Brads manager confirmed, “It is a promise for the future, and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”

Did you see it? The kids are very happy part? Over the last year in several interviews they have both separately joked of the pressure the kids are putting on them to tie the knot.

So what’s with all the publicity from the very “private” couple? Why wouldn’t they just jet off to France with the kiddies and get it done? Could this sweet, charitable couple who seem to flee from the press **cough** be trying to divert our attention from recent reports of the relationship being on the rocks?

Is it working?

Of course it is. Who doesn’t love a wedding? Especially one of such high caliber celebriatoriam (I think I just made up a word).

So many questions need answered.

When? Where? Will George Clooney be the best man? Who will stand up for Angie? Does she have any female friends?

Will she awkwardly stick her leg out at the altar?

Will they travel to a third world country so those less fortunate can bask in their glory and eat cake, while we stay at home sighing in admiration at their sheer generosity?

Will these two ever think of themselves? Such saints.

You’ve got to hand it to them they’re masters at publicity; just look at the turn around Angelina has done for her ‘vial of blood’ wearing image over the last several years. And we’ve forgotten all about Brad’s total infidelity to his first wife…what was her name again?  Like some bad sci-fi movie they’ve successfully erased our memories of strange erratic behaviours and replaced it with ones of love, beauty and goodness.

If this is just about making it right for the kids then just go do it and come back and let us know. There’s no reason to be setting up paparazzi shots with the children just so the photogs can get a good shot of the ring. The one he designed himself so it would fit perfectly around her dainty finger.

I’m sorry, do I sound bitter?

Oprah’s Lifeclass From Middle Class

Do you hear that sucking sound Toronto? It’s the sound of Oprah leaving our air space with her pockets full of Canadian money. Last night, at the second taping of Oprah’s Lifeclass which aired live from the Toronto Convention Center, 8500 people learned the importance of forgiveness. The topic was spot on considering the audience seemed none too pleased by the time we hit the auditorium.

In line for the first couple of hours patience was a necessity. Blocks and blocks of women chatted, got to know each other and had great fun staring down judgemental men who had to do things, “more important than Oprah.” We terrified them. It was fun.

Approaching the third hour, the sun occasionally ducked behind clouds, rain threatened, shoes came off and we huddled to escape the wind.

Going into the fourth hour and way past 3:15pm when the doors were supposed to open all politeness went out the window. People who just arrived in cabs were hit with the harsh reality they might need another one to take them to the back of the line. So, they tried the old merge technique.

Perhaps it would’ve been overlooked if there was just a couple, but alas, they just kept coming. Let’s just say when you’re in any line for that long you’re well aware of who’s been on the journey with you, so when a newcomer steps in at the last minute it’s an invitation for trouble and these people were not having it.

Not up in here, Flossy.

Things got tense. People shouted and actually sang when the police came to make the offenders take the long walk of shame to the back of the line.

“Na na na Na, Na na na na, Hey hey hey…Goodbye.”

This crowd had no forgiveness.

Finally the doors opened. Do you remember the pushing and shoving of a general admission concert?  Well, this was a toned down, better dressed version. In body we moved fast and efficiently but in our heads we were maniac and ready to throw down at the first sign of trouble.

The front section was full. It was painfully obvious no matter how long we had waited we weren’t going to see Oprah we were going to watch her on big monitors. So my friend and I claimed seats and watched the insanity unfold.

At 5pm Deepak Chopra began as people were still being herded in. The live taping part was to begin at 8pm, which meant they had three hours to get through four amazing, inspirational speakers.  Under the best circumstances I have an issue understanding Deepak, so after trying to hear him over the echoing sound of hundreds of high heels across cement, I gave up. Inner peace couldn’t have been further away.

After everyone had settled, Iyanla Vanzant swept into the room and there was a noticeable shift. I admit I had no idea who she was, but now I want to know more. She instantly won everyone over.  Her energy was undeniable, her message clear and articulated through a smile that took up the entire room. When she left we missed her.

Tony Robbins continued the momentum and literally made the audience closer by having us do some body language exercises. Whenever I see Tony Robbins and his chest beating intensity I’m reminded of The Hulk and I imagine him just ripping off his shirt. Yes, he’s over the top, but the man knows what he’s doing.

I missed most of Bishop Jackes because of an overwhelming need to pee. And can I just say this real quick off topic? If there is one thing I took away from all the years of the Oprah Winfrey Show it is this;

Ladies, please DO NOT HOVER AND PEE…SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN. If we all did we could limit the splatter. Of course I realize Oprah has never birthed a baby and doesn’t have the amount of urine range some of us do, but in the end she’s right.

Thanks Oprah.

By now I’m going into the seventh hour of my Oprah experience. No food or drinks were allowed inside so needless to say I was starving.  So I slipped into the concession area with the rest of the people awkwardly standing around inhaling food because there wasn’t a chair to be found. Ten hours from start to finish and they can’t put out some chairs in the eating area?

Finally, I’m back burping up sushi just in time for Bishop Jackes to make me pregnant. He says we all have a baby inside us dying to get out. The baby represents our dreams but in order to give birth to our possibilities we must endure some pain. He ended his speech with us all holding hands and pushing to birth our babies. You really had to be there.

Finally the time came. The energy was electric. Chants of Oprah vibrated off the walls. I know you’ve all seen her show and the experience was just like you’ve imagined.  It was interesting to see her interact with her producer during the commercial breaks. She was charming, engaging and professional. She kept telling the back she was coming to see us. “I’m going to need a car to get me back there.”

We all laughed. Silly Oprah.

As she began to wrap up, the back rows left their seats in anticipation filling in the aisles and blocking exits. Needless to say, she never came. She would’ve been swarmed.

I waited for people to file out because I knew my blistered feet wouldn’t move me as fast as I would like. I searched the expressions of the crowd as they moved toward the exits. No longer were their faces painted with frustration over long line ups, no food, bad seats and missing their chance to touch Oprah. They seemed content, tired and dare I say…forgiving.


Step Back, I’m Making A Decision.

I’m at a crossroads. I have a few career options and pretty soon I have to make a definite choice. This makes me nervous. I’m notoriously bad at making decisions, even simple ones. This morning it took me almost an hour just to book a straight forward flight, but when I got to the seat options I stalled. Should I go for safety or convenience, aisle or window, it really is ridiculous.

Crossroads always remind me of The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy meets the Scarecrow at a fork in the road and together they choose a path. They don’t know if it’s the right one, but they choose it together and head out unaware of what the future holds. I have no Scarecrow. Plus, I have this personality glitch which makes me incapable of making a decision on my own. After all, who would I blame if things go wrong? I just want my life to go smoothly and have my world filled with rainbows, yellow bricks roads and strange but loveable friends. I’ve fought enough evil monkeys and would rather not run into any along my way. Is that too much to ask?

I’ve been off work since August, resigning from my secure job of sixteen years to “find myself.” Holy cliché, I know but it’s true. I did it as a leap of faith, the first big decision I’ve ever made on my own. Of course the hubby had an opinion and I wanted it badly but he refused to tell me until I made the choice myself. He didn’t want to sway my decision. He’s a good man. A good, yet evil man. As it turns out, a break was exactly what I needed. I’m not going to say the entire time has been Eat, Pray, Love worthy, but it has definitely taught me a lot about myself and for that I’m grateful.

So again it all comes down to what I want. I guess I want what everyone wants. I want a guarantee. I want to be certain if I put the time in I’ll achieve my goals. I want to see how the movie ends before the premiere. Should I continue to sacrifice, to take chances or just enjoy what is because I have a great deal of wonderful things in my life?

Unfortunately, just like Dorothy and the Scarecrow I don’t have a crystal ball telling what will happened if I make the wrong choice. Even if they had went the other way chances are the witch would’ve still found them and sent out her funky monkeys. It’s also good to remember if they had indeed gone the other way they might not have met the Tin Man or the Lion and made great friendships during their journey to reach the Wizard.

Whatever road I take I’m sure I’ll be okay, but the “what-ifs” are enough to drive a girl bonkers. “What-ifs” are the driving force behind fear. I don’t fear my abilities. On a good day my brain (unlike the Scarecrow’s) is in tacked and ready to serve. My heart is fully functioning and ready to commit to both paths, in fact it’s pulling me in both directions. Do both it says. Maybe I could find a way to combine the two…

What if I fail?  What if I don’t?

Maybe instead of trying to identifying with Dorothy I should be learning something from the Lion. Turns out he just needed to believe in himself and face his fears. Courage is acting in spite of fear. Maybe it’s all I need to succeed. Well, that and the little red shoes.