Step Back, I’m Making A Decision.

I’m at a crossroads. I have a few career options and pretty soon I have to make a definite choice. This makes me nervous. I’m notoriously bad at making decisions, even simple ones. This morning it took me almost an hour just to book a straight forward flight, but when I got to the seat options I stalled. Should I go for safety or convenience, aisle or window, it really is ridiculous.

Crossroads always remind me of The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy meets the Scarecrow at a fork in the road and together they choose a path. They don’t know if it’s the right one, but they choose it together and head out unaware of what the future holds. I have no Scarecrow. Plus, I have this personality glitch which makes me incapable of making a decision on my own. After all, who would I blame if things go wrong? I just want my life to go smoothly and have my world filled with rainbows, yellow bricks roads and strange but loveable friends. I’ve fought enough evil monkeys and would rather not run into any along my way. Is that too much to ask?

I’ve been off work since August, resigning from my secure job of sixteen years to “find myself.” Holy cliché, I know but it’s true. I did it as a leap of faith, the first big decision I’ve ever made on my own. Of course the hubby had an opinion and I wanted it badly but he refused to tell me until I made the choice myself. He didn’t want to sway my decision. He’s a good man. A good, yet evil man. As it turns out, a break was exactly what I needed. I’m not going to say the entire time has been Eat, Pray, Love worthy, but it has definitely taught me a lot about myself and for that I’m grateful.

So again it all comes down to what I want. I guess I want what everyone wants. I want a guarantee. I want to be certain if I put the time in I’ll achieve my goals. I want to see how the movie ends before the premiere. Should I continue to sacrifice, to take chances or just enjoy what is because I have a great deal of wonderful things in my life?

Unfortunately, just like Dorothy and the Scarecrow I don’t have a crystal ball telling what will happened if I make the wrong choice. Even if they had went the other way chances are the witch would’ve still found them and sent out her funky monkeys. It’s also good to remember if they had indeed gone the other way they might not have met the Tin Man or the Lion and made great friendships during their journey to reach the Wizard.

Whatever road I take I’m sure I’ll be okay, but the “what-ifs” are enough to drive a girl bonkers. “What-ifs” are the driving force behind fear. I don’t fear my abilities. On a good day my brain (unlike the Scarecrow’s) is in tacked and ready to serve. My heart is fully functioning and ready to commit to both paths, in fact it’s pulling me in both directions. Do both it says. Maybe I could find a way to combine the two…

What if I fail?  What if I don’t?

Maybe instead of trying to identifying with Dorothy I should be learning something from the Lion. Turns out he just needed to believe in himself and face his fears. Courage is acting in spite of fear. Maybe it’s all I need to succeed. Well, that and the little red shoes.