Need Help With Your Job Search? Don’t Ask Me!

Since September I’ve been looking for employment. I really didn’t think it was going to take this long. I don’t mean to ring my own bell but I’m a good employee; skilled, focused, smart and have an insane amount of common sense but somehow I’m failing at getting that across in interviews.  I feel really awkward having to sell myself with all the mumbo jumbo you have to spew.

Apparently this interview thing is necessary. Too bad I suck at it. It doesn’t help this is the first time in my life I’ve ever had to interview for a position. Word of mouth has been my best friend since I was fifteen. Clearly there’s a science to it I don’t understand. I’ve had three interviews where I thought we connected. I left all confident I would get a call but each one has ended in a sorry about your luck email.

Granted for one I was slightly late (a couple minutes), but just as I was leaving home I sneezed and peed my pants. At that point it was smell like urine or take the time to change. And in another we were getting along famously…laughing and carrying on, it was very comfortable. I was already deciding what I would pack for lunch on my first day, until I was stumped with this question, “If we asked your former co-workers to give us one word to describe you what would it be?”

At that moment all the adjectives I’ve ever known were sucked out of my brain…all but one.


Unfortunately, the good times stopped for the human resources manager…the CEO however found it quiet amusing. Sadly, amusing doesn’t get you the job. I thought about making a case on how anal in the workplace could be a good thing, but something told me to just shut up.

So clearly my strategy to just be myself and avoid talking out of my ass isn’t working. So when I realized five minutes into another interview yesterday that I really wanted this particular position, I was ready to regurgitate any nonsense necessary. This enthusiasm sparked a self sabotage hormone to release leaving me incapable of finishing a thought let alone impress anyone. I was over thinking every question, trying to guess what she wanted to hear. I stumbled over answers while quietly trying to stop the train wreck of warped thoughts happening in my head.

Why can’t they ask real questions that truly matter? Questions like:

Are you capable of cleaning up after yourself in the office kitchen, or do you still live with your Mother?

Do you have experience at changing a roll of toilet paper?

If you’re sick do you have any issues staying the eff home instead of spreading your mucus around?

Can you give me an example of a time when your ass kissing skills came in handy?

How do you respond to sexual harassment?

Team Edward or Team Jacob?

I’m not good at blowing smoke out my ass so don’t make me think too hard unless you’re going to pay me. I cringe just thinking of saying things like, “My time management skills are excellent and I’m organized, efficient, and take pride in excelling at my work.” It’s so unnatural sounding.

Needless to say I came home feeling a little crushed, but I’m trying not to get discouraged. So far when I’ve felt great about an interview, I don’t get it…So maybe since I feel like I totally missed the mark on this one, I might just get it? You know, if all the stars are aligned and I cross my big toe over my freakishly long one at midnight under a full moon.

Help a girl out, what’s your advice to make it through the interviewing process?