Movie Theater Snobbery – The Snob Being Me

I am a complete and utter movie theater etiquette snob. I admit it. I’m uber anal about my experience.  Are we still using uber? I feel a little silly about it. I think I heard somewhere that it’s no longer a thing…If it offends, I’m sorry but at the moment I’m at a loss for more hip sounding slang.

Going to the theater is my favourite thing and because I’m a bit of an introvert (sometimes…when I’m sober) going by myself kicks ass. Having a practically empty theater, kicks the largest ass in existence…I won’t mention any names.

I need my space. People’s behaviour distracts me. Sometimes I swear they do it on purpose, like some hidden camera show or something. I half expect Howie Mandel to jump out and declare it was all a joke on me. Of course it never happens but my mind goes there, I won’t lie. I know my impatience with people is not your problem, or theirs necessarily, but I can’t be the only one who gets annoyed.

I don’t think of myself as hard to please, if fact I’m fairly adaptable. I rarely send a meal back, I eat the stupid birthday cake even if I don’t want it because I don’t want to make a scene about being on a diet…you know, I try to be versatile, just don’t screw with my movie experience.

What happens to people when they get in a dimly lit theater?

From the woman explaining every single little thing to her husband, to the old man with the gigantic mitts digging into his popcorn and grabbing up handfuls so big he has to strategically maneuver it around his face until every single piece is lodged in his mouth. And who can ignore the typical teenager who can’t stop texting, giving iPhone related migraines to everyone forty and over? They all drive me insane and I will admit there have been times I’ve given Karma the night off and lodged some kernels in their hair, but usually just the young ones…because I’m bitter about their youth and carefree nonchalance.

Last weekend I went in with a good attitude, but as the theater filled my anxiety grew and then the lady beside me picked up her popcorn. I know what you’re thinking, she was probably a cruncher. But she wasn’t. Actually I’ve had plenty of experience with the cruncher and the shoveller…in fact, I married him and I’m not far behind, but only when people aren’t around.

You see? I’m sensitive to other people and I guess it’s my own problem that I expect others to play along and be considerate. I try to chew slowly if I’m sitting close to people, I put the popcorn in my mouth and if it gets really quiet I just silently suck the butter off until I can swallow. If someone I’m with talks to me I’m extremely uncomfortable and worried we will disturb someone. Don’t get me wrong when there’s no one around I’m giving the man with the big mitts a run for his money, until I’m sick to be honest and still I look for stray pieces in my bra.

But the woman this weekend was unique. She was a slammer. Every time she took a handful of popcorn she’d lift her entire arm, grapple around in the bag and then slam her elbow down on the arm rest. Every ten seconds…SLAM, SLAM, SLAM…

Fucking kill me.

Finally she put the popcorn down and I got a 5 min break before the lady with her pulls out a plastic bag from the Bulk Barn and start dragging out baggies and baggies of candy. It was a freaking buffet. Those two alternated between popcorn and candy the entire movie. I didn’t know if I was angry or jealous.

So please, now that the Oscar worthy films are upon us and the theaters will be packed…can we all just agree to some movie etiquette? How about we start with something easy, the thing that dries me absolutely bat ass crazy? The next time you’re leaving take a look around at the garbage people leave behind.

Take your freaking garbage with you. I mean you walk right by the bin when you exit. I know it’s someone’s job to do it but do it anyway. It’s just the right thing to do.

Please?

For me?