Snow Pants Showdown

www.comedycentral.co.uk

I had an absolute adolescent fit last night. I’m going skiing tomorrow for the first time in two years, so it’s been that long since I’ve had my snow pants on. As I remember, they felt a little snug, but then I always think things feel snug, even yoga pants. It’s all in my head people, and my stomach…

Anyway, I was dreading trying them on because I’ve felt all hefty lately. I had put it off long enough and had to take the plunge because if they didn’t fit I was going to have to buy another pair…another awesome pair I saw on sale. The only reason I didn’t already buy them is I’m not exactly rolling in dough right now and the responsible thing to do would be to go home and try on my old ones. Boo.

Frankly, I was torn. I wanted the new pair because of the style, but I didn’t want to not fit into my old ones because that would mean I’ve gained weight. This all could’ve been solved if I hadn’t stopped weighing myself. I used to weigh myself every day but that doesn’t work when you hit your 40’s, things happen in our bodies on a daily basis whether you’ve been eating healthy or not. A spat with the spouse could gain me two pounds of stress overnight. It was unreliable, plus it made me cranky for the rest of the day so I stopped doing it.

So I took my bloated self down to the basement and hauled out the bright white monstrosity that is my snow pants. They’re big, puffy and not slink and sexy (as sexy as snow pants get) like the ones in the store. I slipped them on with mixed emotions. Did I want them to be too small, giving me the excuse to run out and embrace the new pair or did I want them to fit, confirming I’m still the same size?

It became crystal clear what I wanted when I could barely get them over my hips. Panicked, I grabbed at the waistband and tugged. It reminded me of Friends when Ross put on those leather pants and hit himself in the head because he was all slippery, remember? I miss Friends.

I finally got them up and took a breath before trying to snap the waistband in place. Now, logically I know if I had trouble getting them over my hips there would be trouble at the waist. I don’t know what I was thinking, like I’m suddenly turning into Beyonce and my hips have just popped out but my waist hasn’t taken the hit?

The snaps wouldn’t snap…but I did. I lost it like a teenage girl who had her iPhone taken away. I had a complete girly, immature melt down right there in the basement. I cursed those pants, I cursed Christmas, I cursed every last potato chip on this earth. Then I cursed myself for being weak and undisciplined. I must not be working hard enough. I’m just going to have to work out harder, like 7 days a week, 3 hours at a time!  Right there I pledged to work out so hard that I will look like Jillian freakin’ Michaels by spring.

I ripped the pants off. No longer did I want the sleek new pants. I didn’t want any pants. I didn’t deserve any pants. I didn’t even deserve to go skiing. I should make myself stay home and eat lettuce as punishment.

I grabbed the pants like I was going to set fire to them. Then I had a rational thought, I should maybe keep the pants, after all it wasn’t their fault and maybe they would fit my daughter soon…

Then it hit me. She wore my pants last year. SHE WORE MY PANTS LAST YEAR! She had forgotten her snow pants at school one weekend and had borrowed mine..I looked at them and saw they were not only adjusted but looped around and cinched at the waist.

Quickly I undid the knots and slipped the pants back on.

They fit.

Not only did they fit, they were no longer as snug as they were two years ago.

Awesome.

Lesson learned.

**Hangs head in embarrassment.**

Bucket List Fail

Courtesy of www.buzzfeed.com

The kids are back at school. This marks the end of my hiatus from the working world. My first extensive break since I was fifteen, (unless you count maternity leave, in which case…OH MY GOD, don’t get me started…).

When this summer began I was all determined to put my dreams on turbo-charge and get my life working like a well oiled machine by Labour Day.

It’s cute how I start out all optimistic.

I’m a bit of a list maker. Every night before bed I write down all the things I want to get done.  It makes me feel like I have a plan. By mid afternoon I’ve added so much all I can do is look at it and eat chips. Repeat cycle.

You would think having this knowledge of myself would stop me from creating projects like a Summer Bucket List. I know you’re laughing, but I did it anyway.

Bucket List – Summer Edition

1. Get Published – Didn’t happen, but my nasty letter to the editor almost made it into the local paper, but they went with some “feel good” story instead. Cowards.

2. Write Another Book– In February I had an idea for a plot. So I went to Staples(because every successful project starts with shopping) where I indulged in my obsession with school supplies. I laid out the story line. It looked fantastic. All bright and everything. Very motivating. This is what it looks like now. I haven’t written a single sentence.

See the pink board? That’s it. Behind it is my Vision Board.

3. Brachioplasty – What you say? It’s plastic surgery for the back of the arms. My Nana had big saggy triceps…so naturally I inherited them. No amount of triceps’ kickbacks help. But the truth is, I’m a coward and cheap and neither of these things are qualities to have if you want plastic surgery.

4. Organize and De-clutter The Entire House – HAHAHAHAHA. Not one drawer.

5. Lose Twenty Pounds – In a fit of defiance I threw my scale and shattered it on the garage floor.

What was I thinking? Clearly my expectations are too high. And holy shit, I was home with children not at a secluded country club with maid service. As far as I’m concerned the bucket, can fuck it. In fairness though I thought this list was tame considering my five year plan:

  1. Cottage – I have no money
  2. Italy – I have no money
  3. Mercedes – I have no money
  4. Brachioplasty – See?
  5. Horse – What the hell? Really?

Someone (okay, my therapist) suggested taking baby steps towards the bigger goals. In fairness to him, he hasn’t known me long. I’ve never taken a baby step in my life. I prefer instant gratification. But I decided to give it a try. So considering how I like to overshoot the mark, I created a less intimidating list of goals just for this week. It may not help me in reaching my five year plan (wish is under evaluation) but I have to start somewhere and it has to be doable. So, without further ado:

Doable Things I Didn’t Get Done Over the Summer List

1. Eyebrow Shaping – I have good intentions to keep up with them, but before I know it there are two dead caterpillars on my forehead and from then on whenever anyone looks at me, all I can hear is, “They’re totally looking at your hideous eyebrows and will unfriend you on Facebook.”

2. Eat Breakfast Alone – All summer no matter how many times I asked the kids if they wanted anything, as soon as I sat down with food someone would be there to announce they were starving.

3. Watch Adult Television – I’m tired of Zeke & Luther and having to censor my shows because the kids are still up. Is it too much to ask to watch a heroin addict shoot up in peace?

4. Publish a Blog – Done! Here it is. I didn’t say it had to be a good one.

5. Look for a Job – It’s time. I’m not exactly making millions off this blog. I know, it’s shocking. I’m just not good at time management. I need a pay cheque and a boss breathing down my neck to motivate me. I have good intentions at the start of the day, you know, with the list and all and then before I know it, “Hey, Judge Judy’s on…”

So that’s my scaled back fuck-it list. Hopefully by next week I’ll be a bit more willing to put forth more effort, but for now this is all I can manage. Plus, I started this blog last week so…

The Blahness That Is Low Carb

If you may recall I started a very popular weight loss program. You know the one with Valerie Bertinelli and J-Hud? You count points? You got it now, right?

Anyway, I followed my allotted “points” for two weeks only to be disappointed when the weight just didn’t budge. So, I removed all alcohol from my diet (I can’t express enough what a HUGE sacrifice this is) and I still lost nothing. Are you kidding me? I gave up wine? Really? I should’ve been rewarded somehow, right? Yet, I got nothing, nada, zip..whatever.

As a result I had to have a meeting with myself. The way I saw it I could do two things; go to the liquor store for something to wash down the Big Mac Combo with or I could examine what the hell is going on with my body that reducing my calorie intake isn’t enough this time.

I’ve increased my activity long before this. I workout quite hard and pretty much daily, but I cannot dedicate two or more hours at the gym, or even downstairs in my dark basement with Kathy Smith…so I crossed increasing activity off my list. The only thing left was food. Oh, whine, whine, whine. I love food and one look at my food journal will tell you that I also love bread and even though the bread I eat is always whole grain or dark rye, it was clear I still eat too much of it.

So last week, I decided to take bread out of my diet Monday to Friday to see if I could make the scale move. It was a really long week but alas, I lost 3 pounds! So, awesome! I guess I hit the mark and shocked my body.

Here comes the problem. I don’t know what the hell to eat now! Low carb food is soooo boring. I’m really having a rough time. The only thing keeping me going is thinking about hitting the scale on Friday morning. My friend told me to trick my mind. When I want a sandwich (mmmm, sandwich) I should make it using lettuce as the wrap/bread. I never thought I would resort to such a thing, yet there I was yesterday (and today) eating a lettuce wrap and thinking the whole time I should’ve wrapped the lettuce around a steak.

I have to admit it tasted okay, I spiced it up with hot peppers and such but I was starving an hour later and looking for another low-carb snack. But what? I’m sick of carrots & celery. I’m not a big fruit fan but I will scarf down an apple if I must. And I still need to watch my fat intake or I would just sit around and eat bacon and cheese all day.

So I googled low carb snacks and checked five or six sites. Here are the things they suggest.

1. Turkey & Cheese Roll Ups – Been there, done that at lunch with my “wrap.”

2. Salad With Hard Boiled Eggs – I usually have a salad every night with dinner. The eggs I like, but one can only have so many eggs in a day if you know what I mean.

3. Large Artichoke – Um, no.

4. Avocado & Shrimp Cocktail – Am I having company?

5. Peanut Butter & Celery – PB I enjoy, especially on toast (mmm, toast). Celery makes me gag.

6. Jerky – This is great if my goal is to have a heart attack or want to be a cowboy.

7. Raw Veggies – Of course! Why did I think of that? (She says with a sarcastic undertone.)

If these are my choices, I’m doomed. See how negativity slipped right in there? But you know what I’m positive about? I am positive I’m eating the shit out of a big, crusty bun this weekend.

So, if by chance you have any suggestions on low-carb meals or snacks, please for the love of God have a heart and post it in my comments section. This girl is hungry!