Welcome Winter (Sort of)

I’m not a big winter person. There’s just not much in it for me. When I was a kid, it was a different story, but only because I had this awesome green snow suit with silver patches that made me look like Mork from Ork (Yes, I know his suit was “red” but I lived in the country and needed a good imagination)… AND I had a snowmobile with plenty of empty fields to run it in, but now I’m in a city with nothing more than a plastic sled from Wal-Mart.

I do enjoy watching winter sports, but sadly I suck at absolutely all of them. First of all, I can’t skate.  My brain refuses to transmit any rhythmical movement to my legs and I end up with an awkward step, step, glide situation that’s graceless and sans attractive.

I really, truly want to be one of those people that can careen down a mountain on two sticks without a care in the world, but I’m better off being the one by the fire with a fake
cast and a hot toddy.

Two years ago I went skiing for the first time with some girlfriends. I was having a real hoot until I was over taken with a false sense of security and left the bunny hill to go with them up a lift. Well, naturally I fell to the ground as soon as my skis hit the snow and couldn’t get up. I had to roll out of the way of oncoming passengers which made me laugh so hard I peed my snow pants. My last memory of that hill was my friend’s voice calling out, “Oh My…Oh Goodness… PIIIZZZAAAA”….

So with seeing the first flakes of snow fall recently I felt I better nip this negative attitude in the bud or it will be a long, cold winter. So I decided to make a list of 10 things I like about it so I can refer back when I’m cursing my frozen car doors.

  1. Red Wine – There is hardly anything better than a cold night and a nice glass of Boudreaux…or five. The glass is all so romantic and stylish looking. What isn’t so great is the headache that follows, but as a woman I’m more than willing to feel a little discomfort in order to be fashionable.
  2. Christmas Trees – I love them. They possess the same meditative relaxation as a camp fire. Unfortunately, they don’t provide warmth unless you set them on fire, which is obviously, frowned upon.
  3. Falling – There is nothing I love more than seeing a total jerkface slip on a piece of black ice and bust his ass.  Side note: Even if you aren’t a jerkface, I’ll still laugh. Sorry, but it’s hard wired in my system, no offense. I will help you up though just as soon as I get control of myself.
  4. Snow Storms – Really deep down, I love them. I only hate them when I have to drive, but since I’m technically unemployed for at least part of this winter, I’ll enjoy watching them while secretly mocking the working class people in the traffic jam on TV. Karma’s a bitch, I know.
  5. Shovelling – Only if it isn’t stupid cold out. There’s really a sense of community on my street when we all go out to shovel after a big snow. For that moment we’re living in a Norman Rockwell painting and forget about all the crap we hate each other for.
  6. Snowballs – I`m probably the worst mother ever but I love pelting my kids with snowballs. It’s the only time you get to abuse them so take advantage. Of course when they get older you’re in for shit loads of trouble so enjoy your time while their young.
  7. Christmas – This year I swear to like it. Past years have been so stressful with all the prep work and working full time; it really makes a woman resent it. Well, this year I say screw it; I’m going to like you Christmas…I’m even going to bake regardless if it sucks.
  8. Winter Wear – This is awesome. Now when I bring my kids to school, I don`t necessarily have to be “completely” dressed. I can still be sporting my penguin pyjama top with no bra under my coat. I don’t even have to brush my hair, just shove a hat on and get going.
  9. Sweaters – A tag on #8. Sweaters allow you the freedom to not worry about your back fat or your chicken wing underarm for a few months… if you get one large enough.
  10. Tobogganing– There is nothing more pleasant than watching someone (usually a middle aged man) try to make recreational tobogganing an Olympic event. Watching them call on their own eight year old boy with nothing more than a piece of plastic and whiskey in their veins makes my heart sing. There is truly nothing better.

And that’s it. I can’t think of one other single thing Winter is good for, can you?