Snow Pants Showdown

www.comedycentral.co.uk

I had an absolute adolescent fit last night. I’m going skiing tomorrow for the first time in two years, so it’s been that long since I’ve had my snow pants on. As I remember, they felt a little snug, but then I always think things feel snug, even yoga pants. It’s all in my head people, and my stomach…

Anyway, I was dreading trying them on because I’ve felt all hefty lately. I had put it off long enough and had to take the plunge because if they didn’t fit I was going to have to buy another pair…another awesome pair I saw on sale. The only reason I didn’t already buy them is I’m not exactly rolling in dough right now and the responsible thing to do would be to go home and try on my old ones. Boo.

Frankly, I was torn. I wanted the new pair because of the style, but I didn’t want to not fit into my old ones because that would mean I’ve gained weight. This all could’ve been solved if I hadn’t stopped weighing myself. I used to weigh myself every day but that doesn’t work when you hit your 40’s, things happen in our bodies on a daily basis whether you’ve been eating healthy or not. A spat with the spouse could gain me two pounds of stress overnight. It was unreliable, plus it made me cranky for the rest of the day so I stopped doing it.

So I took my bloated self down to the basement and hauled out the bright white monstrosity that is my snow pants. They’re big, puffy and not slink and sexy (as sexy as snow pants get) like the ones in the store. I slipped them on with mixed emotions. Did I want them to be too small, giving me the excuse to run out and embrace the new pair or did I want them to fit, confirming I’m still the same size?

It became crystal clear what I wanted when I could barely get them over my hips. Panicked, I grabbed at the waistband and tugged. It reminded me of Friends when Ross put on those leather pants and hit himself in the head because he was all slippery, remember? I miss Friends.

I finally got them up and took a breath before trying to snap the waistband in place. Now, logically I know if I had trouble getting them over my hips there would be trouble at the waist. I don’t know what I was thinking, like I’m suddenly turning into Beyonce and my hips have just popped out but my waist hasn’t taken the hit?

The snaps wouldn’t snap…but I did. I lost it like a teenage girl who had her iPhone taken away. I had a complete girly, immature melt down right there in the basement. I cursed those pants, I cursed Christmas, I cursed every last potato chip on this earth. Then I cursed myself for being weak and undisciplined. I must not be working hard enough. I’m just going to have to work out harder, like 7 days a week, 3 hours at a time!  Right there I pledged to work out so hard that I will look like Jillian freakin’ Michaels by spring.

I ripped the pants off. No longer did I want the sleek new pants. I didn’t want any pants. I didn’t deserve any pants. I didn’t even deserve to go skiing. I should make myself stay home and eat lettuce as punishment.

I grabbed the pants like I was going to set fire to them. Then I had a rational thought, I should maybe keep the pants, after all it wasn’t their fault and maybe they would fit my daughter soon…

Then it hit me. She wore my pants last year. SHE WORE MY PANTS LAST YEAR! She had forgotten her snow pants at school one weekend and had borrowed mine..I looked at them and saw they were not only adjusted but looped around and cinched at the waist.

Quickly I undid the knots and slipped the pants back on.

They fit.

Not only did they fit, they were no longer as snug as they were two years ago.

Awesome.

Lesson learned.

**Hangs head in embarrassment.**

Bad. Ass. Dimples.

Whoever said dimples are cute has obviously not seen the ones on my ass. I was prepared for many things when I hit and rolled over 40; gray hair, saggy stomach, laugh lines, but I gotta say ass dimplage wasn’t even on the radar!

I have to admit, I haven’t exactly been pushing myself the last few years. I work out regularly but I eat and drink enough to cancel out my efforts. Yes I have stamina, but I also have ass dimples.

After my wine and food binge this weekend I was in a rush to get back to the gym. While dressing I quickly realized that in my gluttony haze over the weekend I neglected to do my laundry. I had one pair of shorts to wear to step class. Light grey, cheap material; I think I actually paid $7 for them. I hate them, but they had to do. Flash backs of the McDonald’s I’d inhaled in the Sobeys parking lot yesterday (don’t judge) shamed me into them.

Today is my new beginning. My fifth new beginning this year! I put on the shorts and got to the gym all motivated and repeating positive mantras to myself.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to be strong. Only good things to eat; No alcohol (Lord help me). I know what you’re going to say; One glass of red wine is good for you. Well, here’s a heads up; I can’t drink just one glass of wine. I don’t see the point. I’m very much the same with chips. If the bag/bottle is open, I’m done. No self control. And if I start in with the wine, then the carbs are only moments behind. I like a little bread to soak up the alcohol.

Achem, where was I? Right…

At the gym the regulars gave me the once over and I took my punishment and held my head low as I got set up. The instructor was petite and I noted, older than me. It was then that I made the biggest mistake a person can make when getting back to the gym; Never ever underestimate the abilities of someone older than you. She ripped her jacket off to reveal a stomach so tight I think I gasped out loud. I never knew a stomach like that was possible at her age. Magnificent! That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to work out so hard people are going to gasp when I walk in a room. Of course, it didn’t occur to me this woman has been doing this for years, is extremely dedicated and probably doesn’t drink a bottle of wine and wash it down with a jumbo bag of Lays…but I digress.

So we get going and I’m feeling pretty good. Some of the routine was complicated and involved but I managed. And I think at one point I actually smiled. I was swirling around that step like no body’s business, that is, until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now I know, it’s a classic mistake but it happened and I can’t take it back. Clearly, I wasn’t as smooth as I felt. Just as I was doing the “revolving door” I saw my ass in these cheap shorts and there it was… A huge butt crater.  I wish I was kidding. It is gianormous and glaringly obvious in the pale coloured pants. I’m the first one to say Lulu Lemon is way over priced, but at least I can’t see butt dimples in them and to me that’s worth the $1000 dollars a pair!

Horrified, I beat hell out of there and went home to stare in judgement at my naked self. I think I actually pulled a back muscle twisting around. As it turns out I just don’t have one, but several.

Oh. My. God. How did this happen? I mean, they had to have been there for a while but I normally don’t go inspecting my ass cheeks on a regular basis. Why hadn’t Homer said anything? Oh, poor Homer! How do I get rid of them? Will diet work? Is there a wrinkle cream for dimpled asses?  Botox?  I always said I wouldn’t go the Botox route, I don’t want to look frozen but does it matter if my ass has no expression? I think not! In fact, it might give it a lift. Am I the only one who has thought of this?

Now I’m trying to talk myself back into a positive state of mind by looking for a bright side, but for the life of me I can’t come up with one situation where someone would want to have ass dimples.

Ughh, I gotta go make an egg white omelette and eat it with NO BREAD..sigh

The Blahness That Is Low Carb

If you may recall I started a very popular weight loss program. You know the one with Valerie Bertinelli and J-Hud? You count points? You got it now, right?

Anyway, I followed my allotted “points” for two weeks only to be disappointed when the weight just didn’t budge. So, I removed all alcohol from my diet (I can’t express enough what a HUGE sacrifice this is) and I still lost nothing. Are you kidding me? I gave up wine? Really? I should’ve been rewarded somehow, right? Yet, I got nothing, nada, zip..whatever.

As a result I had to have a meeting with myself. The way I saw it I could do two things; go to the liquor store for something to wash down the Big Mac Combo with or I could examine what the hell is going on with my body that reducing my calorie intake isn’t enough this time.

I’ve increased my activity long before this. I workout quite hard and pretty much daily, but I cannot dedicate two or more hours at the gym, or even downstairs in my dark basement with Kathy Smith…so I crossed increasing activity off my list. The only thing left was food. Oh, whine, whine, whine. I love food and one look at my food journal will tell you that I also love bread and even though the bread I eat is always whole grain or dark rye, it was clear I still eat too much of it.

So last week, I decided to take bread out of my diet Monday to Friday to see if I could make the scale move. It was a really long week but alas, I lost 3 pounds! So, awesome! I guess I hit the mark and shocked my body.

Here comes the problem. I don’t know what the hell to eat now! Low carb food is soooo boring. I’m really having a rough time. The only thing keeping me going is thinking about hitting the scale on Friday morning. My friend told me to trick my mind. When I want a sandwich (mmmm, sandwich) I should make it using lettuce as the wrap/bread. I never thought I would resort to such a thing, yet there I was yesterday (and today) eating a lettuce wrap and thinking the whole time I should’ve wrapped the lettuce around a steak.

I have to admit it tasted okay, I spiced it up with hot peppers and such but I was starving an hour later and looking for another low-carb snack. But what? I’m sick of carrots & celery. I’m not a big fruit fan but I will scarf down an apple if I must. And I still need to watch my fat intake or I would just sit around and eat bacon and cheese all day.

So I googled low carb snacks and checked five or six sites. Here are the things they suggest.

1. Turkey & Cheese Roll Ups – Been there, done that at lunch with my “wrap.”

2. Salad With Hard Boiled Eggs – I usually have a salad every night with dinner. The eggs I like, but one can only have so many eggs in a day if you know what I mean.

3. Large Artichoke – Um, no.

4. Avocado & Shrimp Cocktail – Am I having company?

5. Peanut Butter & Celery – PB I enjoy, especially on toast (mmm, toast). Celery makes me gag.

6. Jerky – This is great if my goal is to have a heart attack or want to be a cowboy.

7. Raw Veggies – Of course! Why did I think of that? (She says with a sarcastic undertone.)

If these are my choices, I’m doomed. See how negativity slipped right in there? But you know what I’m positive about? I am positive I’m eating the shit out of a big, crusty bun this weekend.

So, if by chance you have any suggestions on low-carb meals or snacks, please for the love of God have a heart and post it in my comments section. This girl is hungry!